WHY DO SO MANY SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE FEEL INADEQUATE?
(Or, How to Raise Children with Healthy Self-Esteem)

Edna Herrmann, Ph.D.

One of the most intriguing phenomena that I have encountered in my 30 years of psychological clinical practice is that many successful, capable people in business, the professions, the arts, deep down feel inadequate and have painful feelings of shame, that somehow they do not measure up. What can account for this phenomenon? Why do these successful people seek psychotherapy, with symptoms such as depression, sharp mood swings, difficulties in getting along with family and/or co-workers and a sense of inner confusion and emptiness?

Generally speaking there are certain family relationships that instill self-esteem in individuals and conversely, those that contribute to the feeling of hidden inadequacy and shame. (The entire process of raising children with healthy self-esteem assumes a caring and loving family environment. This is so evident and familiar to us that it does not require any further discussion.)

What stands out in the history of such individuals is that when they were children they were experienced as prized possessions and not as separate unique individuals. We are all familiar with family heirlooms. Let’s imagine, for example, a desk that was in a family for three generations. It is cherished, well cared for, and displayed with pride. It is genuinely loved, and perhaps even admired. It would never occur to the owners to ask the desk how it feels and where does it wished to be displayed, if at all.

Parents that experience their children as their prize possession consider appearances as much more important than feelings. If you look right, and behave properly, and perform well, that's what counts. What you think and feel is at best very secondary. These parents need their children to fulfill their own ambitions and dreams. Therefore such parents give their children a message, "I always wanted to be a doctor, a performer, etc., therefore you must be..." These parents, for their own self-esteem need their children to be the best, be perfect. Very little attention is given to the processes, to the road one travels. What counts is the outcome, the final grade.

And even then, perhaps the best is not good enough. There may be somebody somewhere even better. Since young children need their parents' approval and acceptance above all else they comply in any way they can with their parents' expectations in order to preserve the loving bond. The terms of this bond are that they have to suppress their own unique genuine private selves for the sake of a pleasing public self.

What happens when these children grow up? As adults they experience their achievements as stemming out of their public-false self. Hence, there is a sense that their achievements are in some way disingenuous and false. A very common belief is "if they only knew the real me, they would not like me, they would call my bluff." It is difficult to experience genuine pride and security when one expects to be exposed as a fake. These individuals often feel that if they are not the best they have no value. Since the nature of life is such that no one is the best – "the best" being a mythical concept – there is always someone who has higher status or made more money. Therefore, regardless of how much they achieve, it does not feel good enough.

Since they experience their achievements as stemming out of their public self, their sense is that these achievements are in some way disingenuous and false and therefore not a source of genuine satisfaction, and positive self-regard; in addition, one cannot go through life being spared occasional negative evaluations, disappointments and setbacks. Those individuals that were raised to believe that social feedback is what defines them and were not encouraged to develop their own internal mechanisms for introspection and self-evaluation are totally at the mercy of the approval of others: “I am as good as the success or failure or my last show.” Therefore, such individuals are prone to experience rather severe mood swings. When they encounter praise they feel on top of the world. If they encounter negative evaluations or lack of success they are down in the dumps. There is no internal private core that is experienced as solid and is not completely dependent on social feedback.

In summary, when you raise children and grandchildren you want to be very aware of the child's separate and unique individuality. You want to foster their ability to identify and articulate their own feelings, thoughts, needs and wants. You want them to be capable of introspection, self-monitoring and self-approval. You want them to experience genuine acceptance and comfort in being themselves. And last but not least, you want them to develop appropriate coping skills necessary to deal with the inevitable ups and downs of the bumpy road of life.

Edna Hermnann, Ph.D. is a Psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles, and a panel member of the Southern California Psychotherapy Referral Service.